| what i've missed |
[08 Jul 2008|11:11pm] |
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wow. i haven't written in my journal in like 53 years and 7 months. it's crazy how much can happen in that time. i'm really only writing in this to vent out everything i've kept inside since the last time i wrote. my life has been like a fuckin roller coaster. for starters, kat and i had a fuckton of problems and quite a few arguments but we always made up in the end, we mutually decided to break up on the day before she graduated. it was actually really sweet in a way that i think only i can appreciate. i drove up to the school because i had already moved out and she gave me 2 tickets to the summer bash that she got for me. then she asked me to stay for a while so i did and she talked in these really weird hilbilly voices that cracked me up and annoyed me at the same time in a way that only she can do. we hugged and cuddled a little and kissed a little before i had to leave. she walked me to the car and sat inside with me for a bit before she got out with promises to stay in touch all summer (she has thus far) later on that day cait texted me. she told me that she wanted to be with me and i said yes (of course) and from there, we had a near perfect relationship filled with short visits and arguments about who loved who more. she even told her family about me in the sweetest way possible. then things took a turn. she told me that she didnt know if she would be able to not cheat on me. then she started snapping at me for every little thing that i said. and i felt so pressured to have sex with her because i felt that if i didn't do it, she would go out and find someone who would. i told her today that we should take a break and i think that it was the best thing for both of us. i'm not leading her on anymore and she's not hurting my feelings on a constant basis anymore. i feel so much freer and happier now. at the moment, she still kind of hates me and is sad, but i know she'll get over it soon. she's a strong girl. her and kat did make me realize something though (and this is the bright of things) i really have a thing for studs, like seriously. no wonder i liked kat so damned much (especially when she wore her hat. lordy. anyways, now i'm just gonna flirt and date around and live like i'm 17 and be happy.
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| Catching Up on 2008 |
[26 Mar 2008|02:04am] |
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The Beating of Lovers' Hearts |
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I haven't had any time at all to write. It's kind of depressing actually. Junior year has been the hell that I expected it to be but not because of the standardized tests, the intense course load that I'm barely passing, or the extracurriculars that seem to take all of my life. No it's the drama that sucks. My roommate and I aren't getting along as well as I hoped we would and now we won't even be roommates next year. So of course I asked Rachel because she's awesome and amazing only she doesn't want to leave her hall to move into mine. Fucking fantastic. Then we have Hendrik telling me I'm fat at every chance he gets, but that doesn't bother me so much as plenty of people tell me that I look good. Then there's the icing on the cake. Cait. She loves me, she loves me not I swear. That girl damn near drove me crazy. I think she was my drug, my addiction. Feels great when I'm with her and she likes me, like being high. Then she tells me that she has a boyfriend and all of a sudden I'm going through withdrawal. She kisses me and I pretend she cares about me and the next day she tells me that she wants nothing to do with me. It kept happening over and over again and every time I went back to her like she never hurt me. After three months of this process with her, I'm finally over it. I'm even going to her house on Thursday. She's going to make me lunch and we're going to watch a movie. That was all her idea, definitely not mine. I'm almost afraid of going. Five days of being away from her and I had managed to pull myself together and start getting over everything we had been through. I'm afraid that I'll be alone with her and everything I've accomplished emotionally will just fall apart and I'll be there pining away for her again, kissing her again like she never hurt me. I can't do that. I want a relationship and she just wants some fuck buddy. I want someone to hold and tell they're beautiful and wake up next to. I want someone that I could eventually fall in love with and I know that she's not that girl. Bani said that I need a clean break from her and Kenny said that I need to find someone to at least occupy my mind until I'm over her. Like a rebound fuck. I decided that I would listen to advice for once. Starting with Bani. The clean break were those wonderful 5 days that I spent *almost* without making contact with Cait, I would've made it the entire Spring Break, but she convinced me to go to her house, after all we are still friends. Actually I didn't lie well enough. I told her that I couldn't come because I lost all of my money for the train tickets. She offered to pay for my tickets, saying that I just had to come. I agreed because I'm stupid like that. Then there's Kenny's advice about finding someone to take my mind off of her. That's where Kat comes into the picture. She told me last night that she had been hitting on me all year. I'm fucking slow. I had this huge crush on her at the beginning of the school year but killed it because I thought that she was straight. So much for my gaydar. Anyways she doesn't want a serious relationship and I can't handle one quite yet so this is the perfect solution for us. She even lives right on campus in the hall next to me. I know that one day I'll meet a beautiful girl and we'll eventually fall in love and live happily ever after. But as of right now I'm just happy that things are finally looking up.
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| Just Give Me Something... |
[12 Aug 2007|02:24pm] |
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The Smashing Pumpkins |
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So I'm just kind of sitting here thinking of everything because I don't feel anything anymore. Not like I used to anyways. I mean my uncle is in the hospital dying and I don't feel a damned thing. I want to feel sad and I want to visit him in the hospital but I can't. I hate the hospital. It's such a horrible place. But at the same time I don't even want to feel that because all it is is just sadness and despair and really who wants to feel that shit? I want happiness. I want to believe that there's a reason to smile. I didn't even believe in love until a little while ago and now that I do I know that I wouldn't be able to feel it if I found it. Not because of the apathy at this point but just because of the fear. All of the what ifs that dictate meaningless lives that lack the risks. I don't want to be one of the people that are scared and run away from something that could be a very good thing because of the risk of being hurt. I won't be one of those people. I'm gonna let myself fall and hope that there will be someone there to catch me. If not, then I guess that's a lesson learned and another day's sorrow. For all Ii know there could be someone to catch me already and I just refuse to let them. I hope that this is the case. I already know of someone that I wouldn't mind falling for. There's just this feeling I get when I talk to her. I won't claim its love because it's far too early for anything like that. But I do know that something good will come to me from knowing her, whether its a beautiful friendship or the feeling of falling into eternity whenever we talk. I don't know and I don't care. I just hope that I don't mess this up, and sometimes being hopeful is all you can do.
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| Secrets with Brown Eyes |
[06 Jul 2007|01:41pm] |
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Eyes gently focused on me Enough so that I know he's there and he's real but not so much that I feel uncomfortable under his careful gaze knowing that I don't deserve the care and the tenderness that he's put aside, into the nooks of his heart for me I pour out my heart into his waiting ears I watch as the life disappears from his face and the light in his eyes grows dim I'm really glad that I kept from him the secrets of my soul and kept their painful whisperings locked tight to bounce off the walls of my mind He turns his head for a few private moments to ponder my "situation" the situation he's been brought into It's that moment when the moonlight catches his polite unwavering smile that I realize that grave mistake I have made and internally I will time to turn back its cruel hands to let me restore radiant happiness to his beautiful face because sadness and worry just don't suit him at all He finally turns back to me and I look up with hope only to be met with his gorgeous brown orbs glistening with newly formed tears that threaten to spill over as he takes in a deep, thinking breath Exhale
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I wrote this about a day when I told a close friend of mine a secret that I didn't really want him to know but I didn't want to hide it from him so yeah
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| about my journals |
[06 Jul 2007|01:28pm] |
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I don't like to come right and say what I feel and why or whatever but I do write stories that are exactly what happened but people never ever know that because they think its made up Another lie from the mind of a delusional girl but if only they took the time to put names with my anonymous characters If only they took the time to realize that its them that breaks my heart and makes me cry ...
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candlekiller's journal